Perfect anger

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dreamstime_xs_6363804 angry manAre you friends with anger? Strange question you may think – but I’ve found it’s a really important one – both in my own life and for many men I’ve worked with.

The usual image of anger is something ugly – it’s behaving in a hurtful and aggressive way. It’s so shocking that it distorts our perception. But that’s not what anger really is; that’s the behaviour of people who aren’t friends with their own anger, and then take their pain out on others.

Anger – what I call perfect anger – is simply an emotion which runs through us when our boundaries have been over-stepped. Like all emotions, it’s a natural part of being human. Energy arises in our bodies and moves through us – emotion is simply ‘energy in motion’. When we’re friends with anger, we can allow it to flow through and in a short time it’s gone – and we can make a choice about how we act, if we feel it’s good to express our anger, and how to behave. It’s when we aren’t friends that we try to hold the anger down, until it erupts in rage. Uncontrolled rage often comes with sudden, violent, destructive actions – but it’s a distortion of natural anger.

I used to hold my anger down like this all the time, which meant that the anger stayed in me without release. And I’ve found that there were two huge negative consequences for my life. Occasionally I’d erupt in rage, and then regret it for ages. But on a daily basis I found that I didn’t have much access to fire and passion in my life, everything was rather ‘flat’ and lacking in purpose. Does that sound familiar? So many men I meet are only familiar with rage – which they fear – and keep themselves held down in life, emotionally stuck.

There’s another consequence of doing this, which often compounds men’s problems. The women in our life dreamstime_xs_37049926 man of fireintuitively pick up the unexpressed emotion of anger which is running in us – and they ‘let fly’ to release it! The stuck energy of my own anger has often been turned back on me by my partner and even more by my ex-wife. At least I now recognise when it happens, and it reminds me to reconnect with my own fire! I find life is so much better when I’m enjoying the vitality of my anger and passion, and I feel my drive to make a difference in the world.

Let me know if this strikes a chord with you, or if you have a different experience of anger. If you want to know more about this, or about the coaching I offer to help men get more out of life and enjoy fulfilling relationships, you can comment here or contact me at

My wish is that you tap into and enjoy your inner fire today!


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Men And Relationships