Change your relationship in 2016

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Have you fallen ‘out of love’ with your wife or partner?

dreamstime_xs_39228113Perhaps your Christmas and New Year break has felt awful…. Instead of feeling better when you’re together with your intimate partner you feel worse. After the last week with her, are you questioning your relationship and if this could be the time for a new start, and the only way may be out?
It may be no comfort, but you’re not alone – many people feel exactly this at New Year. I know from painful personal experience – exactly 9 years ago I was in this place myself.
So now you want something better for your life right now.

Here are some pointers which should help. This is the sort of advice I wish I’d had when I faced these sorts of decisions back then – I know it would have helped me.

First, the good and then the bad news….
Your longing for change and to claim a happy, fulfilled life is positive – trusting you are willing to act on it and do something new.
But there’s one key thing you really need to remember – many people who decide to leave one relationship and find a new partner soon discover that the same things start happening again; after the honeymoon period, the new relationship turns into something very much like the old one.
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Why? Because there’s a consistent factor that hasn’t really changed – YOU!

Any relationship you create will reflect what you bring to it, and if you’re bringing the same things, you’re likely to create a similar relationship. So before you consider a decision to end your current relationship, you need to get clear about your part in what’s not working.

 

So here are my 5 tips – which can enable you to change your relationship.

Tip 1. Clarify the problem

Look carefully at exactly what’s wrong – and what’s right in the relationship. You could even draw up some form of balance sheet, listing what’s not working alongside what still is. Sometimes when we’re focussed on problems only, we forget that there are positive things – so it’s important to look at both to get a full picture.

This may involve being clear about what you’re feeling as well as what you’re thinking. It can help to write down the emotions – for example these could include some or all of frustration, boredom, anger, distress or sadness; and your patterns of thinking, such as seeing her as irritating, or demanding, or that she ignores you or is ‘just like her mother’.

Tip 2. Define the contributions

dreamstime_xs_49555196You’ll know exactly what she does which is leading to the problems between you. But what are you contributing? It’s time for you to have a good long look in the mirror. All relationships are created by both people, and the problems generally are too – it’s a complex dance in which you play your part.

It can be tough to admit it, but you need to take a step back and ‘own’ what you do that’s been helping to create the current situation. Looking to blame her, or yourself, is not helpful – but understanding what you’ve ‘brought to the breakdown’ is crucial. Without this, there’s little hope of change in this or any future relationship. For example, you may have been avoiding each other, or confrontation, or keeping your head down.

Tip 3. What’s the deal?

Think back to the early days of your marriage; what was the ‘deal’ between you, given that all relationships need to be based on an exchange which meets both people’s needs. What needs of yours were met by your loved one in the relationship, and what did you give which met her needs?

There’s a rule underlying successful relationships – they provide a good deal for both parties; each gets something they want, at a cost that they find fair. So did your marriage provide a fair deal for you both? And is the deal still the same, or has something important shifted in either needs or offers? Do you think that there’s still a realistic and mutually fulfilling deal between you to be found?

Tip 4. Communicate!

dreamstime_xs_13920598It’s time to put cards on the table. But don’t start with the solution that you see, as that’s likely to leave her feeling she’s being railroaded and treated unfairly before you’ve started. Instead, start by telling her what you think is happening. This includes what’s not working, as well as things which are still working (it’s easier to accept what’s negative if it’s balanced by some positive things). She’ll be able to buy into that, as well as bring her own analysis of what she sees is going on.

You need to be willing to name things clearly and owning your part in the situation. And then you need to listen. Her perspective will inevitably be different, and it’s worth trying to understand things from her viewpoint. There may be key things which you don’t know or haven’t quite understood. Getting a rounded view will give you a sound basis for decisions, ensuring that all important factors are taken into account.Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

Tip 5. Set a timescale for deciding the future

If your marriage is utterly broken, this can be a short timescale for making practical decisions about how you separate.

But in most cases this timescale can provide a time for both of you to explore if the relationship can meet both your dreamstime_xs_32516409needs. But this requires something from both of you. You both have to commit to trying to make it work for an agreed period, with a specific date set for reviewing how successful you’ve been, and if it’s enough to continue. To do this you’ll need to take account of all that you’ve learnt in this process examining your relationship.

At the review, you both need to decide if you want the relationship to continue or not. To go on, it will need both of you being ‘in’ – if either of you doesn’t want to continue, the relationship is at an end and needs to be ‘wound up’ as cleanly as you can.

Moving forward

My experience is that most of us men are unrealistic when we’re facing relationship difficulties or the potential breakdown of our marriage or partnership. I know I was!

dreamstime_xs_55356516We don’t know how to go about it. And we’re poorly equipped to deal with the emotional processes and communication required. Instead we move into a confrontational ‘blame’ mode – “it’s all your fault” which of course provokes blaming in response. It’s what I did, and I know it doesn’t work or help find a positive way forward – it often leads to a messy and painful divorce with lots of money in solicitors’ pockets.

I know how difficult it is to ask for help when we really need it. But I’ve learnt that it’s ok to seek help, and it’s so much better than staying silent and stuck. Find someone who can listen and offer you reflections on what’s happening and what you may be able to do. You may have a friend or colleague who can help; the most effective source of support that I’ve found is through a professional coach.

This can help you make new choices. You may find that these change your current relationship – creating a new one without changing your partner! And if it doesn’t work out, you’ll be able to carry what you’ve learnt into any new relationship, so you can create something different, something better.

The way to change your relationship is to start changing yourself. After all, you’re the only person you can change!

 

I provide help and guidance to many men facing relationship challenges.
If you’d like assistance or want to tell me about your seasonal relationship worry, contact me by clicking on Contact Simon in my website menandrelationships.co.uk

And if you want to find out more, you can download my FREE guide How to create the life you long for on the Home page of my website.
Whatever you do, I hope 2016 is a year of positive change for you!

Simon

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